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Making The Best
of Post-Divorce Parenting with Cooperative Parenting and Divorce
by Virginia Murray
Leader, Fall/Winter 1998
Five years ago psychotherapist (and former Active Parenting leader) Susan Boyan
met a child whose sorry story took her to a breaking point. She was a four-year-old,
a cute little girl whose red hair was falling out in chunks. She also had an
ulcer, and an angry, recently divorced (and remarried) mother. It soon became
clear to Boyan that the girl was in serious trouble, but it was also obvious
that the problem wasn't the girl's alone. Boyan asked to see the adults in the
girl's life — father, mother and stepfather — and was promptly fired.
The problem, insisted the mother, was with her ex-husband. She did not believe
the rest of the family needed therapy.
Boyan had observed for years how the vicious fighting of divorcing parents too
often involved their children, and was frustrated that there were no intervention
programs for this particular form of child abuse. Although she was unable to
help the little girl with the ulcer, her plight was the motivation Boyan needed
to take action. Together with an associate, therapist Ann Marie Termini, she
wrote Cooperative Parenting and Divorce, a program devoted to transforming
quarreling former couples into 'co-parents." The co-parents become chi Id-focused,
learning to work as a team responsible for rearing their children in ways that
shield their children from the harmful effects of divorce.
The first version of Cooperative Parenting and Divorce was the "Co-Parent
Format," meaning that a therapist works directly with the co-parents for at
least 14 sessions. The program is usually ordered by judges, an arrangement
that Boyan welcomes. "It's a way to mandate parents to do the right thing,"
she says. Few newly divorced people are willing to undergo joint therapy with
their former spouse, even if it's for their children's well-being. "They say
it's too 5000, they're not ready for more trauma," says Boyan. Research has
shown, however, that "the sooner you get to the parents, the better the chance
of interrupting the negative patterns they get into."
The problem is that as people recover from divorce, they tend to focus on the
negative and get locked into those distorted beliefs. Soon it becomes an oddly
comforting habit, one that is unhealthy for both parent and child.
"When people are in love, they see only the positive traits of the other person.
Then on the flip side, when they are no longer in love, the opposite happens,
and they can no longer see any good in the person. It becomes all or nothing."
Unfortunately for the child — who still loves both parents — a great
deal of psychological damage can occur during this time if the parents behave
badly in front of him.
The Co-Parent Format of Cooperative Parenting and Divorce is for
divorced couples with moderate to severe conflict and is closely linked with
the legal system. It requires the leadership of licensed therapists who have
been certified as Parent Coordinators after undergoing training in the Cooperative
Parenting and Divorce program. They have a range of responsibilities from
ordering alcohol and drug tests to reporting on the couple's compliance and
progress to the judge. Often, Boyan laughs ruefully, "I'm the bad guy." Even
so, the number of therapists using Cooperative Parenting and Divorce is
growing as they are finding the program to be an excellent way to address a
nagging problem — children's post-divorce recovery — while expanding
their clinical practice.
"It's like a ray of sunshine into domestic relations cases," says Judge Jackson
Redford of the Superior Court of Fulton County (GA). Redford, who estimates
that he refers one couple a month to Cooperative Parenting and Divorce,
reports that the results have almost always been positive. This is part of the
reason for his confidence in the program; the other part is that he knows and
trusts the Parent Coordinator. "That personal contact and level of confidence
is important to me as a judge."
Not all couples have such severe conflict, however, and several years after
the debut of the Co-Parent Format Boyan and Termini were convinced to adapt
it into a Group Format. This is for couples with mild to moderate conflict,
and lasts only eight sessions. Roth parents are urged to attend, although they
are not required to sit or work together during sessions.
Group Format classes are led by trained facilitators using a Leader's Guide,
much like other Active Parenting classes. Facilitators do not have to be licensed
therapists, but it does take a special kind of person to lead a Cooperative
Parenting and Divorce group. "I think it takes someone with a good understanding
of this population," Boyan says. "Leaders would need to be very patient and
good at keeping order." Other qualities she mentions that are necessary for
a leader are confidence, compassion and assertiveness. "And if they've been
divorced themselves, they need to have their own issues resolved before leading
a class."
Although these co-parents are not as troubled as those in the more intense format,
there is still a lot of emotional baggage to sort through. Eight sessions is
two more than the usual Active Parenting program, but Boyan says it's barely
enough.
It can be challenging work, but the number of Cooperative Parenting and Divorce
leaders is growing quickly as word spreads about the program. More and more
judges are referring people, and divorce attorneys play a part as well ("We
find that lawyers either love the program or hate it, usually depending on if
their client is a cooperative parent," says Boyan). Inquiries have been received
from as far away as Hong Kong.
The good news is that, while most parents are reluctant to come to their first
group-format class, surveys have shown that by the end, 95 percent express satisfaction
with the classes and say they would recommend it to others. Most also indicate
an improvement in their relationship with the co-parent. Georgia mother Michele
Lynberg, a Cooperative Parenting and Divorce graduate, says she wishes
the program had existed when she got divorced in 1992: "It would be much better
to start off trying to use this than going through litigation and evaluations."
And the children? For them, research shows that the single most important cause
of poor adjustment after divorce is parental conflict. By all accounts children
love seeing their parents taking classes, working on their relationship with
the other parent, and focusing their attention on the kids. "They love it. They
are thrilled to see their parents being held accountable," says Boyan.
"And that's worth everything." The Cooperative Parenting and Divorce program
kit and leader training are available from Active Parenting Publishers. Call
800-825-0060 or visit
www.activeparenting.com
for more information.
Eight
Steps toward a healthier co-parenting relationship
In eight sessions of 2'/2 hours each, Cooperative
Parenting and Divorce facilitators lead their groups through
the following steps. Participants (usually 8 to 1O per group) follow
along in their Parent Guides.
STEP ONE
Making the Commitment to Caring
Parents learn to recognize parental hostility and discover how conflict
affects their child's development. Factors which influence a child's
adjustment are presented, and the nation of "child-focused" versus "self-focused"
is proposed and stressed throughout the program.
STEP TWO
Allowing My Child to Love Both Parents
Parents learn to identify the positive qualities of the child's other
parent. They learn to create two homes, minimize stress at transitions,
and make it a positive experience for their child. They determine the
ways they put their child in the middle of their conflict, and discover
the ways their children struggle to avoid a loyalty bind.
STEP THREE
Changing My Long-Term Role
Parents discover that their anger and bitterness keep them emotionally
attached to one another; and learn ways to let go. The grief process,
forgiveness and the value of rituals are reviewed.
STEP FOUR
Choosing My Personal Path
Parents clarify their personal choices and identify a personal path.
The term "realignment" is introduced to assist parents in creating a
new role as co-parents. The notion of secondary gains, boundaries and
the non-interference principle are presented. Characteristics of a business
relationship are taught as they apply to a co-parenting relationship.
The STP-A (Stop, Think, Pause, Act) technique is demonstrated.
STEP FIVE
Managing My Own Anger
Parents explore the emotion of anger. Parents recognize their distorted
beliefs and how their negative assumptions create negative feelings
toward the other parent. The Anger Connection (cognitive restructuring)
is presented to teach parents how their thoughts create their feelings.
Parents are taught to take responsibility for their actions rather than
wait far their co-parent to change, and are exposed to a variety of
strategies to manage their anger as well as their child's anger.
STEP SIX
Taking Control of Conflict
Parents examine the cycle of conflict and practice defusing or resolving
conflict. They learn effective communication and listening skills and
learn the advantages of effective communication between co-parents.
Tips for dealing with unreasonable expectations and limit-setting techniques
are taught and practiced.
STEP SEVEN
Negotiating Agreement
Problem-solving techniques and business relationship skills are examined
from a divorced parent's position. A seven-step negotiation method is
demonstrated. Parents discover that negotiating on behalf of their child
means that if their child wins then everyone is the winner.
STEP EIGHT
Co-Parenting is Forever
Parents learn how to determine the validity and seriousness of their
concerns, the seriousness of their concerns and practice how to address
these issues in a productive manner. To formalize their joint commitment
to their child's future, co-parents participate in a "Co-Parenting Is
Forever" ceremony at the end of the program.
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