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Recognizing Parental
Alienation
Susan M. Boyan, M.Ed.,
Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist,
Family Law Newsletter, Atlanta, Spring 1997
******Disclaimer******
The authors have found it useful to cite some of the ideas of Dr. Garner.
However, this is not an endorsement of all of the work of Dr. Garner.
***********************
Family Law Attorneys and Therapists understand the tremendous power a parent
has to impact a child's view or attitude. Most professionals are familiar with
Dr. Gardner's term "Parental Alienation Syndrome." The syndrome refers
to a situation in which a parent consciously attempts to program their child
to reject the other parent. This programming is combined with the child's own
view of the so called "hated parent." This is not merely brainwashing. The full
syndrome must include the child's contribution to the alienation. Of course,
in situations in which the "hated parent" has actually abused the child in some
manner, the syndrome does not apply. In those situations alienation is justified.
This term is applicable only when a parent has not exhibited behaviors to warrant
the child's rejection or hostility. According to Gardner, it is the exaggeration
of the "hated parent's" flaws that is the hallmark of the Parental Alienation
Syndrome.
These parents tend to be openly hostile and conscious of what they are doing.
They are often controlling, bitter and vindictive. They deny that they are doing
anything wrong; they claim that they are merely telling their child the "truth."
These parents use every form of exclusionary maneuvers that they can think of.
Some will go so far as to coach their child with sexual allegations. Their ultimate
goal is to cut their child off from the other parent completely.
However, the focus of this article is to help professionals recognize the subtler
forms of alienation. These parents are seen in our offices, from high conflict
divorce to custody battles. Many of these parents alienate without conscious
intent. They use some of the exclusionary maneuvers yet to a lesser degree.
Often they do not realize they are forcing their child to take sides and therefore,
asking their child to reject a parent. On the other hand, many of these alienating
parents are aware of the damage they are doing, yet they continue to do so because
it serves their personal needs.
Many are heart broken parents who are bitter and hurt because their spouse has
"left." In their panic they scramble to retain their child's affection. The
fear of losing their child's love is so intense, that they become over involved,
overindulgent, and they encourage their child to become dependent. They will
do just about anything to protect themselves from additional loss without considering
their child's needs or well-being.
However, some parents begin the alienation process prior to the marital separation.
They do not share well and they have difficulty with the concept that their
child could love someone "who has been so horrible to me!" The concept of helping
a child stay neutral is seen as a disloyalty to them.
Since many of these parents are unaware of what they are doing, some will change
behaviors when given feedback regarding the impact on their child. Many of the
Family Law Attorneys, Guardians and Family Therapists are taking the time to
address inappropriate parental behaviors. As informed professionals we can better
serve those clients who are open to change.
The following checklist has been complied from our extensive clinical practice
with high conflict divorce and from Dr. Richard Gardner's book, "The Parental
Alienation Syndrome." The difference in the parent who is creating Parental
Alienation and the parent who is using subtler forms is the motive, the number
of exclusionary maneuvers they use and the child's active participation.
Parental Exclusionary
Maneuvers
1.______They see things in
" black and white" and therefore set up a belief that one parent is "good" while
the other is "bad."
2.______They repeat negative comments about the co-parent which may be believed
over time.
3.______They imply that the co-parent is dangerous is some way. For example:
A mother may tell the young daughter to wear pajamas rather than nightgowns
when sleeping at dad's. Some inform their child, that the other parent will
kidnap them one day.
4.______They claim that their child has separation anxiety, but it occurs only
prior to visitation.
5.______They interrupt the child's visit in many different ways. They may call
frequently to check on their child. This increases the child's anxiety about
the other parent and can make the child feel guilty about visitation.
6.______They teach the child that the co-parent is "totally unacceptable" by
not allowing the other parent to come to the front door or into the child's
room. The young child learns that the other parent may contaminate the home
or that this parent can not be trusted.
7_______They magnify the co-parent's flaws. For example: If the parent is depressed,
they tell the child that the parent is mentally ill. If the parent drinks occasionally,
he may be referred to as an alcoholic.
8.______They use negative names like "adulterous," "abandoner," "liar" to describe
the other parent. Some distort the truth. Some tell the actual truth without
considering the impact or inappropriateness of adult information.
9.______They openly blame the co-parent for the failed marriage or the divorce.
They take no responsibility.
10._____They may destroy all reminders of the other parent. They may even destroy
pictures of the child's extended family. The openly attempt to destroy the very
existence of the other parent.
11._____They tend to use "us" language with regard to the divorce. "Your mother
is divorcing us! Or "Your father is going to beat us in court next week!"
12._____They make loaded comments before their reluctant child leaves for a
visitation. Such as, "I feel so bad that you have to go." "I've done everything
I can to protect you from these visits, but the courts don't care what you want!"
"Just be brave and know that I am praying for you." Some claim they encouraging
their child to have fun during visitation. Even so, the negative messages will
speak the loudest.
13._____They use guilt and manipulation to force their child into picking sides.
Comments are made, such as "I have nothing, your mother has everything!" "I
miss you so much when you are with your father. I hate being alone." These parents
often play a victim role to gain their child's affection and pity. Their messages
say, "Poor me, it's all your mother's fault."
14._____They use their answering machine to screen all calls. Then calls are
divided up between those that are good calls and those that are not. The parent's
calls fall into the unacceptable. This teaches the child that the unacceptable
parent is "bad" and should be avoided.
15._____They make it known, directly or indirectly, that to defend or to love
the other parent, may cost the child their affection. It's all or nothing. They
use fear to force the child to be loyal.
16._____They may refuse to let the child bring home anything from the other
parent's home.
17._____They may use religious beliefs to alienate. For example, "Your mother
is filled with the devil because she wants a divorce." "Your father will burn
in hell, so we must pray for him every night."
18._____They repeatedly point out how they have been the "devoted parent," the
"trustworthy parent" or the "dependable parent." Even without criticizing the
other parent directly, they imply that the other parent is unacceptable.
19. ____ Alienating mothers they may encourage their children to use their maiden
or new last name.
All the above behaviors are seen by this practitioner on a fairly frequent basis.
The results are striking. For example, one four year old boy who clearly was
being alienated, was so anxious that his hair was falling out in chunks. His
mother and new stepfather would spank him for crying after his visitation with
his father. Unfortunately, we all know stories such as this.
The good news is that for some of these parents, when given the right assistance,
these behaviors can be eliminated. Otherwise, many parents will continue to
play destructive, self-serving games. Children of all ages, experience the pain
of loyalty binds. The long term impact can reek havoc on a child's emotional
well-being for a lifetime. Any type of parental alienation is a form of emotional
abuse. We may not be mandated to report this type of abuse, but we can however,
address it.
Copyright Family Solutions L.L.C. 2801 Buford Highway Suite T 70 Atlanta, Georgia
(404) 315-7474 ext.1, Fax # (404) 982-0006
Back to Top of Page
The Next Step: Cooperative
Parenting During And After Divorce
Today Juvenile and Family Justice, Fall 1998
Susan Boyan, M.Ed., LMFT
& Ann Marie Termini, M.S., LPC
Historically, professionals in the field of domestic relations
have met the needs of families experiencing the devastating effects of divorce.
This stance has led to the development and implementation of voluntary and mandatory
programs for separating parents. Judges across the nation have signed orders
mandating educational seminars focusing on the effects of divorce on children.
While these time-limited seminars are helpful in ameliorating some of the adverse
effects of divorce on a child's healthy development, they do not meet the unique
needs of those children caught in the middle of their parents' intense hostility.
These two to four-hour programs are limited in their ability to address the
crippling tension, implicit and explicit differences of opinion and impaired
communication and conflict resolution skills characteristic of antagonistic
parents in the throes of divorce. Under these circumstances, it is imperative
that divorcing parents develop anger management techniques, effective communication
and conflict resolution skills and empathetic understanding of their children's
needs. Ultimately, divorcing parents need to learn the skills necessary to parent
in a two household structure.
It is time to take the next step and offer divorcing families a thoughtful,
extensively researched and practical program that is the clearest model yet
for assisting families in transition. Cooperative Parenting, a product
of Family Solutions, LLC is a video-based psycho-educational program designed
to reduce the major risk factor that influences a child's post-divorce adjustment:
parental conflict. At the same time, it increases the likelihood that both parents
will remain active in their child's life. This thoughtful and practical program
can be implemented in two formats: an eight session educational group format
and an individual co-parenting format. The group format is designed for parents
demonstrating mild to moderate levels of parental conflict while the individual
format is designed for parents demonstrating moderate to severe levels of parental
conflict.
While high-conflict divorce represents a minority of the divorce cases, they
demand an inordinate amount of the court's time, resources and money. Consequently,
programs that reduce destructive litigation and court involvement are necessary.
Since 1995, the Cooperative Parenting program has been used extensively
in the Atlanta area. Judges have routinely ordered parents to participate in
the program. Recognizing the value of the program, attorneys, guardians ad litem,
custody evaluators, mediators as well as therapist have recommended the program
on behalf of families in distress. Professionals in other states such as Florida,
Mississippi and Pennsylvania have been instrumental in facilitating the program
in their court systems.
Group Format:
Cooperative Parenting explores the issues associated with divorce through
a group format that can be implemented easily and safely while creating a supportive
group environment. The group format is designed for parents demonstrating mild
to moderate levels of parental conflict. It is facilitated by a trained parent
educator. It consists of eight two and one-half hour weekly sessions that incorporates
skill development, small and large group discussion, role play, parental interaction
and weekly homework assignments.
This stimulating and compassionate program can be facilitated by mental health
professionals, mediators, special masters, parenting coordinators and parent
educators employed by private institutions, universities, social services agencies,
hospitals, churches, schools and the court system.
The goals of the group format include:
- Assisting parents
shift their role from former spouses to co-parents.
- Educating parents
regarding the impact of parental conflict on their child's development.
- Helping parents identify
their contributions to conflict while increasing impulse control.
- Teaching parents anger
management, communication and conflict resolutions skills and children's
issues in divorce.
Individual Format:
(Currently Referred to as Parent Coordination)
The individual format of Cooperative Parenting examines the issues of
family separation through a systems perspective. The individual format is an
extensive program intended for trained psychotherapists to use in collaboration
with the courts. When the program is court-ordered, the therapist assumes the
role of Parent Coordinator. Under these circumstances, the Parent Coordinator
balances the needs of the family with the requirements of the court. Besides
facilitating the goals outlined in the group format, the Parent Coordinator
also assists the family by:
- Advocating for and
safeguarding the emotional and physical needs of the child.
- Ensuring the execution
of the living arrangements as specified in the Settlement agreement of court
order.
- Overseeing time-sharing
arrangements and exercising the authority to modify transitions as a means
of reducing stress for the child.
- Ensuring that both
parents maintain an ongoing relationship with their child.
- Collaborating with
professionals involved with the family.
- Mediating effective
mutual decisions on the child' behalf
- Monitoring the family
to ensure that all involved parties are fulfilling their Obligations to
the child and complying with the recommendations of the Court.
- Assisting parents
to develop effective parenting plans
- Reducing destructive
litigation over custody issues.
Fortunately, parental conflict
is one aspect of the divorce process which parents have the most control. Although
it takes time and effort by both parents to construct a co-parenting arrangement,
its time has come. Once it is recognized that divorcing parents are at high
risk of remaining in conflict, parents should be encouraged to take the next
step and become involved in a program that reduces the child's exposure to parental
warfare. Regardless of whether the parents have been given sole of joint custody,
establishing a cooperative atmosphere between separating parents can prevent
and decease the severity of emotional and behavioral problems in children. If
parental conflict is not treated, serious psychological difficulties in children
will probably continue into adulthood. Children who are raised in cooperative
atmosphere both during and after their parent's divorce are more likely to cope
successfully and develop a healthy attitude toward relationships. Regardless
of the family structure, children need parents who are dedicated to their well-being,
who support each other, and who separate their own personal problems from their
role as parents. Children who are remained in a cooperative atmosphere after
their parents' divorce are more likely to cope successfully and develop a healthy
attitude toward relationships.
Cooperative Parenting is the "next step" in providing binuclear families
with comprehensive programs that meet their unique needs. It is a compassionate
program that puts children first while creating promising solutions that focus
on education, intervention, mediation and the reduction of parental conflict
on situations of family separation. It has been hailed as one of the most innovative
approaches to emerge in recent years.
Back to Top of Page
Making The Best
of Post-Divorce Parenting with Cooperative Parenting and Divorce
by Virginia Murray
Leader, Fall/Winter 1998
Five years ago psychotherapist (and former Active Parenting leader) Susan Boyan
met a child whose sorry story took her to a breaking point. She was a four-year-old,
a cute little girl whose red hair was falling out in chunks. She also had an
ulcer, and an angry, recently divorced (and remarried) mother. It soon became
clear to Boyan that the girl was in serious trouble, but it was also obvious
that the problem wasn't the girl's alone. Boyan asked to see the adults in the
girl's life — father, mother and stepfather — and was promptly fired.
The problem, insisted the mother, was with her ex-husband. She did not believe
the rest of the family needed therapy.
Boyan had observed for years how the vicious fighting of divorcing parents too
often involved their children, and was frustrated that there were no intervention
programs for this particular form of child abuse. Although she was unable to
help the little girl with the ulcer, her plight was the motivation Boyan needed
to take action. Together with an associate, therapist Ann Marie Termini, she
wrote Cooperative Parenting and Divorce, a program devoted to transforming
quarreling former couples into 'co-parents." The co-parents become chi Id-focused,
learning to work as a team responsible for rearing their children in ways that
shield their children from the harmful effects of divorce.
The first version of Cooperative Parenting and Divorce was the "Co-Parent
Format," meaning that a therapist works directly with the co-parents for at
least 14 sessions. The program is usually ordered by judges, an arrangement
that Boyan welcomes. "It's a way to mandate parents to do the right thing,"
she says. Few newly divorced people are willing to undergo joint therapy with
their former spouse, even if it's for their children's well-being. "They say
it's too 5000, they're not ready for more trauma," says Boyan. Research has
shown, however, that "the sooner you get to the parents, the better the chance
of interrupting the negative patterns they get into."
The problem is that as people recover from divorce, they tend to focus on the
negative and get locked into those distorted beliefs. Soon it becomes an oddly
comforting habit, one that is unhealthy for both parent and child.
"When people are in love, they see only the positive traits of the other person.
Then on the flip side, when they are no longer in love, the opposite happens,
and they can no longer see any good in the person. It becomes all or nothing."
Unfortunately for the child — who still loves both parents — a great
deal of psychological damage can occur during this time if the parents behave
badly in front of him.
The Co-Parent Format of Cooperative Parenting and Divorce is for
divorced couples with moderate to severe conflict and is closely linked with
the legal system. It requires the leadership of licensed therapists who have
been certified as Parent Coordinators after undergoing training in the Cooperative
Parenting and Divorce program. They have a range of responsibilities from
ordering alcohol and drug tests to reporting on the couple's compliance and
progress to the judge. Often, Boyan laughs ruefully, "I'm the bad guy." Even
so, the number of therapists using Cooperative Parenting and Divorce is
growing as they are finding the program to be an excellent way to address a
nagging problem — children's post-divorce recovery — while expanding
their clinical practice.
"It's like a ray of sunshine into domestic relations cases," says Judge Jackson
Redford of the Superior Court of Fulton County (GA). Redford, who estimates
that he refers one couple a month to Cooperative Parenting and Divorce,
reports that the results have almost always been positive. This is part of the
reason for his confidence in the program; the other part is that he knows and
trusts the Parent Coordinator. "That personal contact and level of confidence
is important to me as a judge."
Not all couples have such severe conflict, however, and several years after
the debut of the Co-Parent Format Boyan and Termini were convinced to adapt
it into a Group Format. This is for couples with mild to moderate conflict,
and lasts only eight sessions. Roth parents are urged to attend, although they
are not required to sit or work together during sessions.
Group Format classes are led by trained facilitators using a Leader's Guide,
much like other Active Parenting classes. Facilitators do not have to be licensed
therapists, but it does take a special kind of person to lead a Cooperative
Parenting and Divorce group. "I think it takes someone with a good understanding
of this population," Boyan says. "Leaders would need to be very patient and
good at keeping order." Other qualities she mentions that are necessary for
a leader are confidence, compassion and assertiveness. "And if they've been
divorced themselves, they need to have their own issues resolved before leading
a class."
Although these co-parents are not as troubled as those in the more intense format,
there is still a lot of emotional baggage to sort through. Eight sessions is
two more than the usual Active Parenting program, but Boyan says it's barely
enough.
It can be challenging work, but the number of Cooperative Parenting and Divorce
leaders is growing quickly as word spreads about the program. More and more
judges are referring people, and divorce attorneys play a part as well ("We
find that lawyers either love the program or hate it, usually depending on if
their client is a cooperative parent," says Boyan). Inquiries have been received
from as far away as Hong Kong.
The good news is that, while most parents are reluctant to come to their first
group-format class, surveys have shown that by the end, 95 percent express satisfaction
with the classes and say they would recommend it to others. Most also indicate
an improvement in their relationship with the co-parent. Georgia mother Michele
Lynberg, a Cooperative Parenting and Divorce graduate, says she wishes
the program had existed when she got divorced in 1992: "It would be much better
to start off trying to use this than going through litigation and evaluations."
And the children? For them, research shows that the single most important cause
of poor adjustment after divorce is parental conflict. By all accounts children
love seeing their parents taking classes, working on their relationship with
the other parent, and focusing their attention on the kids. "They love it. They
are thrilled to see their parents being held accountable," says Boyan.
"And that's worth everything." The Cooperative Parenting and Divorce program
kit and leader training are available from Active Parenting Publishers. Call
800-825-0060 or visit
www.activeparenting.com
for more information.
Eight
Steps toward a healthier co-parenting relationship
In eight sessions of 2'/2 hours each, Cooperative
Parenting and Divorce facilitators lead their groups through
the following steps. Participants (usually 8 to 1O per group) follow
along in their Parent Guides.
STEP ONE
Making the Commitment to Caring
Parents learn to recognize parental hostility and discover how conflict
affects their child's development. Factors which influence a child's
adjustment are presented, and the nation of "child-focused" versus "self-focused"
is proposed and stressed throughout the program.
STEP TWO
Allowing My Child to Love Both Parents
Parents learn to identify the positive qualities of the child's other
parent. They learn to create two homes, minimize stress at transitions,
and make it a positive experience for their child. They determine the
ways they put their child in the middle of their conflict, and discover
the ways their children struggle to avoid a loyalty bind.
STEP THREE
Changing My Long-Term Role
Parents discover that their anger and bitterness keep them emotionally
attached to one another; and learn ways to let go. The grief process,
forgiveness and the value of rituals are reviewed.
STEP FOUR
Choosing My Personal Path
Parents clarify their personal choices and identify a personal path.
The term "realignment" is introduced to assist parents in creating a
new role as co-parents. The notion of secondary gains, boundaries and
the non-interference principle are presented. Characteristics of a business
relationship are taught as they apply to a co-parenting relationship.
The STP-A (Stop, Think, Pause, Act) technique is demonstrated.
STEP FIVE
Managing My Own Anger
Parents explore the emotion of anger. Parents recognize their distorted
beliefs and how their negative assumptions create negative feelings
toward the other parent. The Anger Connection (cognitive restructuring)
is presented to teach parents how their thoughts create their feelings.
Parents are taught to take responsibility for their actions rather than
wait far their co-parent to change, and are exposed to a variety of
strategies to manage their anger as well as their child's anger.
STEP SIX
Taking Control of Conflict
Parents examine the cycle of conflict and practice defusing or resolving
conflict. They learn effective communication and listening skills and
learn the advantages of effective communication between co-parents.
Tips for dealing with unreasonable expectations and limit-setting techniques
are taught and practiced.
STEP SEVEN
Negotiating Agreement
Problem-solving techniques and business relationship skills are examined
from a divorced parent's position. A seven-step negotiation method is
demonstrated. Parents discover that negotiating on behalf of their child
means that if their child wins then everyone is the winner.
STEP EIGHT
Co-Parenting is Forever
Parents learn how to determine the validity and seriousness of their
concerns, the seriousness of their concerns and practice how to address
these issues in a productive manner. To formalize their joint commitment
to their child's future, co-parents participate in a "Co-Parenting Is
Forever" ceremony at the end of the program.
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Back to Top of Page
Family
Therapy News
A.A.M.F.T. June/ July 2000
What
is a Parent Coordinator?
Specialized
Therapists and
Mandated High Conflict Families
By Susan
Boyan, AAMFT Clinical Member,
and Director
of Cooperative Parenting Institute
Throughout the
country a new trend has been spreading; the use of therapists as Parent Coordinators.
Binuclear families in high conflict are not receiving the services they require
to thrive. Even though these conflicted families have professionals such as
judges, guardians, custody evaluators, attorneys and mental health providers
it seems that no one professional can impact these families in a therapeutic
and long-term manner. Historically, judges have referred families to alternate
services such as mediation, parent education, counseling and other services.
Unfortunately, the families in need of ongoing monitoring seem to fall through
the cracks and end up in the revolving door of litigation.
The types of parents who
may require monitoring include those with allegations of abuse, drug usage,
blocked access, alienation and other inappropriate or dangerous behaviors.
Parent Coordinators are experienced psychotherapists who are granted limited
authority to intervene with high conflict divorce. The Coordinator may be
assigned pre- or post-divorce. Sometimes they are assigned years after a divorce,
when the family has returned once again to litigate. Parent Coordinators,
much like guardian as litem, are basically working in the child’s best interest.
However, unlike a guardian who is time-limited, the therapist assigned as
a Parent Coordinator is available in the future as needed to assist the family.
In some states this role
is covered by Special Masters or Parenting Coordinators. However, often Special
Masters are attorneys rather than therapists. The states that use Parent Coordinators
are growing in number including Georgia, Florida, California and Pennsylvania
to name just a few.
Research and Power
Chart
According to Garrity and
Baris in Caught in the Middle; Protecting the Children from High Conflict
Divorce, the need for Parent Coordinators is a growing trend. During the
1997 international Association of Family and Conciliation Courts (A.F.C.C.)
conference, in San Francisco, the concept of a "Power Chart" was
demonstrated to illustrate the problem with our current method of handling
high conflict families.
| |
Authority |
Access |
Clinical
Skills |
| Judge |
Yes |
No |
No |
| Guardian |
Some |
Yes |
No* |
| Attorney |
No |
No |
No |
| Psychotherapist |
No |
? |
Yes |
| P. Coordinator |
Yes/limited |
Yes |
Yes |
* This is assuming the
GAL is an attorney rather than a psychotherapist
The Problem
As noted by the Power
Chart above, no one professional, except the Parent Coordinator
has all three essential
components needed to truly assist the high-conflict families. Even when the
parents are ordered by the judge or a guardian to begin counseling, the parents
may or may not choose to stay with the treatment plan. As soon as they hear
something they do not like, they will terminate their provider. Most therapists,
without some form of authority, will fail more often than succeed. To add
to this, most of the parents referred into treatment tend to be quite difficult.
So when judges order parents
to work with a therapist, the non-compliant parent often drops out and ultimately
returns to court. Meanwhile, the children are growing up in the midst of unnecessary
stress. This has not served families or the innocent children who live in
them.
The Solution
Parent Coordinators are
trained psychotherapists, preferably licensed marriage and family therapists,
who are designated to work with select families. Parent Coordinators must
have training and experience in child development, legal dynamics, mediation
and conflict resolution. In addition, many Parent Coordinators are being encouraged
or required to be trained in the Cooperative Parenting model.
The role of the Parent
Coordinator is to educate, mediate, monitor, ensure the court order is enforced
and assist the parents in creating a workable Parenting Plan. After parents
have finished working with their assigned Parent Coordinator, (six months
to one year) they are encouraged to return in the future as needed to resolve
parenting issues. Generally they complete a Parenting Plan at the completion
of the program that helps them to clarify expectations and to close any loop
holes in their previous order or settlement agreement. They also agree to
return to their Parent Coordinator for a minimum of two joint sessions before
seeking any legal action against their co-parent.
The Cooperative Parenting
Program
The Cooperative Parenting
program was written by Boyan and Termini in 1997 to assist conflicted
parents learn, how to disengage and communicate more effectively with the
co-parents. The other main goal of the program is to help parents understand
the impact of their behaviors on their child’s emotional adjustment.
Initially the text was
written as a stand-alone book until it was made into a psycho-educational
video based group program for divorced parents. Cooperative Parenting groups
have become the next logical step after mandated divorce seminars. However,
as the concept of Parent Coordination grew, the Cooperative Parenting material
was again modified to be used with trained Parent Coordinators. The Parent
Coordinator training package, along with marketing and assessment forms has
been purchased throughout the United States and Canada to give Parent Coordinators
a curriculum to provide an educational component to their work.
Parent Coordination
Versus Therapy
Although Parent Coordinators
are therapists, it is important to recognize that what they do is not psychotherapy.
Parent Coordinators do not have the luxury of taking all the time necessary
to work with parents. They must "push" parents to make as much progress
as possible, often at a time when the parents are highly resistant. Parent
Coordinators must also limit what the parents talk about, and they also must
structure sessions tightly. Otherwise, conflicted parents push limits, become
highly agitated, waste time and they ultimately will not make progress. For
all these reasons, Parent Coordinators, unlike therapists, cannot afford to
be warm and fuzzy. If parents need therapy they are referred elsewhere.
For obvious reasons, Parent
Coordinators must be direct and authoritative at times. Unlike Parent Coordinators,
therapists are not required to keep clients accountable nor are they granted
any authority to require additional services or temporary modifications. Therapists
are not encouraged to communicate with the judge or the attorneys. Without
authority, therapists often have an impossible job with high conflict parents.
In more than 75 percent of the referred cases, one parent may have an Axis
II diagnosis and/or a substance problem.
Another way in which Parent
Coordination is different from therapy is that the process is not confidential
since it is court ordered. Unlike most standard mediation, the mediation done
by the Parent Coordinator is not confidential because the parents have a court
order to participate.
THERAPY
V.S. PARENT COORDINATION
Although they are both
psychotherapists, the role, responsibilities and style differ significantly.
| THERAPY * |
PARENT
COORDINATOR
|
| Usually voluntary
participation |
Mandated
or stipulated participation
|
| No accountability |
Accountability
|
| Based on Client Needs |
Based
on Child’s Needs
|
| Based on Past and
Present |
Based
on Present and Future
|
| Confidential |
Limited
confidentiality
|
| Client in charge
of treatment |
Parent
Coordinator in charge of session
|
| Empathic |
Directive
and Confronting
|
| Pace determined by
client |
Fast
paced
|
| Unlimited number
of sessions |
Limited
number of sessions
|
| Unstructured |
Highly
structured
|
| Minimal expectations |
Maximum
expectations
|
| "Change"
optional |
"Change"
required
|
| No monitoring |
Required
monitoring
|
| No reporting |
Reports
progress/ compliance to the courts
|
| No authority |
Limited
authority
|
| No Parenting Plan
created |
Parenting
Plan created and submitted
|
| No responsibility
to return |
Parents
are required to return as needed
|
*Therapy
styles vary based on training, education, and setting.
The Role and Authority
of Parent Coordinators
A Parent Coordinator is
assigned to educate, mediate, monitor, ensure the court order and report back
to the courts. One of the primary jobs is to ensure parental access, reduce
stress for the child, and teach conflict resolution skills to the parents.
Parent Coordinators generally also assist the parents to write a Parenting
Plan.
Parent Coordinators are
granted different degrees of authority; yet they must be granted some form
of authority. Most orders include at least the following:
*the authority to recommend
additional services (such as a parenting class, drug screen, etc.);
*the authority to use
program discretion;
*the authority to send
updates to counsel; Re: any noncompliance
*authority to make "temporary"
modifications to visitation (such as drop-off location, time to call the child,
etc.). The term "temporary" refers to anywhere from two-four weeks.
In some rare cases the
judge may allow the Parent Coordinator to "temporarily" arbitrate
a parenting matter that hits an impasse.
Any temporary modification
must be based on the child’s needs and never done as a punitive measure for
difficult parents. The only exception allows for the Parent Coordinator to
charge one parent for "no shows," for acting out in session or coming
late to an appointment. Therefore, the language of the court order is essential.
In California and other
states some jurisdictions include a Parent Coordinator Addendum.
This allows either the
judge or attorneys to determine which specific areas will be authority granted.
Sample addendums may be requested from the author.
Parent Coordination work
is both rewarding and difficult. Therefore, professionals attempting Parent
Coordination need all the support they can get. Otherwise, they will burn
out quickly unless they have ways to communicate and network with other Parent
Coordinators. Support is essential for Parent Coordinators throughout the
country.
For more information on
Parent Coordination, visit www.cooperativeparenting.com.
Susan
Boyan, M.Ed., LMFT, is Director of The Cooperative Parenting Institute
2801
Buford Highway Suite T 70 - Atlanta, Georgia 30329. (404)315-7474, Ext. 1.
A.A.M.F.T.
FAMILY THERAPY NEWS JUNE/JULY 2000
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