Cooperative Parenting and Divorce: A Parent Guide to
Effective Co-Parenting is an easy-to-read parent
workbook that provides vital information and gives
real-life examples and worksheets so parent can practice
new skills that shield their child(ren) from parental
conflict. This book is used by parents as part of the
Cooperative Parenting and Divorce video-based
psychoeducational program as well as an independent
self-help guide. In addition, psychotherapists,
co-parent counselors, divorce coaches, and parent
coordinators have used this guide as an adjunct to their
services for separating and divorcing families.
Educational Outline
Chapter One - Making
the Commitment to Caring (Child-Focused or Out of Focus). Parents
learn to recognize parental hostility and discover how conflict impacts their
child’s development. Factors which influence a child’s adjustment to divorce
are presented. The notion of "child-focused" versus "self-focused"
is proposed and stressed throughout the program. Parents complete a "Commitment
to Caring" agreement and are introduced to the eight steps of effective
co-parenting.
Read a sample from the
Parent Guide: Divorce Rules
Chapter Two - Allowing
My Child to Love Both Parents (Plan for Peace or Tug of War). For
the sake of their child, parents learn to view their former spouse from their
child’s perspective. Parents work to identify the positive and valuable qualities
of the child’s other parent. They learn to create two homes, minimize stress
at transitions, and make time-sharing a positive experience for their child.
Parents determine the obvious and not so obvious ways they put their child
in the middle of their conflict. They discover the influence of loyalty and
the ways their children struggle to avoid a loyalty bind. The importance of
allowing children access to their extended family is also addressed.
Chapter Three -
Changing My Long Term Role (Letting Go or Holding On). Parents examine
their attachment to their former spouse. They discover that their anger and
bitterness keep them emotionally attached to one another in much the same
was as their love once did. They identify their level of attachment and learn
ways to let go physically and emotionally from their marital relationship.
The grief process, forgiveness and the value of rituals are reviewed.
Chapter Four -
Choosing My Personal Path (Make it Better or Keep it Bitter). Parents
clarify their personal choices and identify a personal path. The term "realignment"
is introduced to assist parents in creating a new role as co-parents. Obstacles
to realignment are examined and the notion of "secondary gains,"
"boundaries" and the "non-interference principle" are
presented. Characteristics of a business relationship are taught as they apply
to a co-parenting relationship. The STP-A technique is demonstrated. Parents
realize that they are separate but equal partners in their role as co-parents
regardless of their custody arrangement.
Chapter Five -
Managing My Own Anger (Neither Fight nor Take Flight). Parents explore
the emotion of anger. They determine what anger is, the internal and external
signals of anger, constructive versus destructive anger, anger triggers, and
the consequences of harboring anger. Parents recognize their distorted beliefs
and how their negative assumptions create negative feelings toward the other
parent. The Anger Connection (cognitive restructuring) is presented to teach
parents how their thoughts create their feelings. Parents are taught to take
responsibility for their actions rather than wait for their co-parent to change.
In addition, they are exposed to a variety of strategies to manage their anger
as well as their child’s anger.
Chapter Six - Taking
Control of Conflict (Defuse or Light the Fuse). Parents examine the
cycle of conflict using concepts of "fire prevention." Barriers
to effective conflict resolution are highlighted and techniques to over come
these barriers are practiced. They identify ways to defuse conflict for themselves
and their child. Parents learn effective communication and listening skills.
The advantages of effective communication between co-parents are stressed.
Parents identify their contribution to the communication pattern and identify
obstacles to successful interaction. Tips for dealing with unreasonable expectations
and limit-setting techniques are taught and practiced.
Chapter Seven -
Negotiating Agreement (All a Winner or Winner Take All). Problem-solving
techniques and business relationship skills are examined from a divorced parent
position. A seven step negotiation method is demonstrated. Parents discover
that negotiating on behalf of their child means that if their child "wins"
then everyone is the "winner." Parents learn how to prepare for
and organize business meetings with their co-parent. They develop constructive
ways to address many typical divorce situations.
Chapter Eight -
Co-Parenting is Forever (Cooperation or Conflict). Parents review
their commitment to care, the notion of "child-focused" versus "self-focused"
as well as communication and negotiation skills. Parents are introduced to
techniques to determine the validity of their concerns, the seriousness of
their concerns, and practice how to address these issues in a productive manner.
Co-parents are given the tools necessary to create agreements based on their
child’s best interest. To formalize their joint commitment to their child’s
future, co-parents participate in a "Co-Parenting Is Forever" ceremony
at the end of the program.
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Endorsements
Winner of a 2000 Parent's
Guide to Children's Media (Parenting Division) Award!
"Divorce
itself is tough on children, but constant, often bitter conflict that persists
after the divorce makes it even tougher. Divorced or divorcing parents will
find the workbook (Parent Guide) and video vignettes openly address likely
areas of conflict and offer possible solutions that keep parents centered
on what they can both agree on: the happiness and well being of their child.
Open communication and genuine respect, even in amidst understandable differences,
ground the conflict-resolving strategies. ...leader’s guide is chockfull
of practical ideas to engage parents in the subject."
Divorce Experts/Authors
"As an interactive workbook, the Cooperative Parenting Guide helps divorcing
parents work through the very difficult transitions of divorce. Step-by-step,
it gives parents the means to look at their own feelings and behaviors, and
then takes the giant step of providing avenues for positive change. The end
product will be that the parents will be able to design their divorce so that
it minimizes the stress on children and opens the paths for families to emerge
as healthy "binuclear" post-divorce families."
Constance
R. Ahrons, Ph.D.
Director, Marriage and Family Therapy Program
University of Southern California
"The Good Divorce: Keeping Your Family Together When Your Marriage Comes
Apart" Custody Evaluators
"I often refer families to the Cooperative Parenting program, and have
found it to be very helpful at teaching divorced parents how to communicate
about their child. The program is a wonderful step parents can take to decrease
conflict in the life of their child."
Nancy A.
McGarrah, Ph.D.
Custody Evaluator
Atlanta, Georgia
Family Therapists/Authors
The authors...take your
hand through the journey of co-parenting by mapping the way, offering tools
and directions on how to get there, and providing skills training for the
trip. Their chapters are like mile-markers; for each one you reach, you’re
closer to your destination of healthier parenting and a healthier you. ...Some
books talk about co-parenting; this one shows you how."
Gail
A. Olsen, Ph.D.
Licensed Therapist and Instructor at Bellevue University, Human Services Division
"This clear, readable, and wise book is a great resource for parents struggling
through the turmoil of divorce. Putting the welfare of children front and
center, Boyan and Termini offer parents accessible ways of maintaining self-safety
and self-control while building bridges of cooperation with each other. This
book should be required reading for every divorcing (or divorced) couple."
Augustus
Y. Napier, Ph.D.
Adjunct Associate Professor of Psychiatry and Behavioral Health
Emory University
"The Fragile Bond"
"A must reading for all divorcing
& divorced parents, their families and the professionals who work with then
and their children. A true gem of a book...reader friendly, action oriented
and practical."
Helen Coale,
LCSW, LMFT
"The Vulnerable Therapist: Practicing Psychotherapy In An Age of Anxiety"
1998
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